FROM AVOIDANCE TO OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE:

“When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool.” – Chinua Achebe

Have you ever noticed how we try to escape unpleasant feelings at all costs? Whether by changing the subject when the conversation gets difficult, consuming something to “drown our sorrows,” or even planning excessively to avoid the anxiety of improvisation. These behaviors have a name: experiential avoidance. And, surprisingly, the more we practice them, the more we limit our lives.

What is experiential avoidance and why does it harm us?

Experiential avoidance happens when we avoid feelings, thoughts, or sensations that cause us discomfort. It’s that moment when you cancel a meeting with friends for fear of social anxiety, even though you really want to be with them.

It’s important to understand: the tendency to avoid uncomfortable experiences is natural and part of being human. It stems from our capacity for language and is amplified by a culture that values “feeling good” above all else.

The problem? Avoidance works in the short term (yes, you feel momentary relief), but in the long term:

• Prevents you from living according to your values
• Amplifies the suffering you so want to avoid
• Reduces your ability to experience positive emotions

Did you know? Trying not to think about something negative makes you think about it even more. It’s like trying not to think about a pink elephant – the first thing that comes to mind is precisely the image of a pink elephant!

How to recognize experiential avoidance in daily life

Often, we don’t even realize we’re in avoidance mode. Be aware of the signs:

• Changing the subject when conversations become emotionally intense
• Becoming superficial or making jokes in serious moments
• Denying the presence of problems (“Everything is fine!”)
• Physical postures of tension: clenching jaw or fists
• Inactivity or, conversely, hyperactivity
• Excessive planning to avoid unexpected situations
• Difficulty appreciating positive moments for fear they will end

Ask yourself: Are my behaviors working to avoid internal experiences in an inflexible way? How much has this cost me in terms of quality of life?

From avoidance to willingness: a new path

The alternative to avoidance is what we call experiential willingness – the ability to be open to internal experiences, even when uncomfortable, while moving in the direction of our values.

How to develop experiential willingness in 3 steps

STEP 1: Develop awareness of your avoidance First, observe your patterns of avoidance. What are your favorite “control methods”? Even seemingly “healthy” ones can be forms of avoidance if the intention is to escape the experience.

STEP 2: Examine the functionality of control Ask yourself: “What have I noticed over time in terms of how these strategies have worked? Have they brought me closer to what really matters in my life?”

STEP 3: Use metaphors to capture the experience Sometimes, an image is worth a thousand words. Creative hopelessness is not about feeling hopeless in general, but realizing that excessive control doesn’t work – opening space for something new.

Provoke yourself to willingness: a new form of freedom

Willingness is a posture of being “open” to all experience while simultaneously choosing to move in a direction based on your values.

It’s important to understand that:

• Willingness is an action, not a feeling
• It has an ALL or NOTHING quality
• It is NOT about tolerating, resigning, or conforming
• It is about allowing and being present with what there is to be felt

Willingness is experienced as a continuous process, not as waiting for something to change for the better if we are tolerant enough.

The true goal of willingness

The goal is not to like discomfort, but to weaken behaviors that serve as experiential avoidance. Willingness is a skill to be learned, not a concept to be understood.

How to start today

1. Practice mindfulness: Set aside 5 minutes a day to simply observe your thoughts and sensations without judging them
2. Name your emotions: When you feel something uncomfortable, say to yourself: “I am noticing that I am feeling anxiety now”
3. Take an action aligned with your values: Even when feeling discomfort, take a small step in the direction of what matters to you

Transform your relationship with discomfort

Learning to accept difficult sensations is not easy, but it is a path to a richer and more meaningful life. When we stop fighting against our feelings, paradoxically, we find more freedom to live according to our values.

Want to learn more about how to develop experiential willingness and transform your relationship with difficult emotions? Our specialized program offers practical techniques and personalized support to help you achieve more psychological flexibility. Click here to learn more about our evidence-based approach!

Remember: suffering is part of life, but suffering caused by avoidance is optional. Choose willingness and discover a new form of emotional freedom.

REFERENCES

ACHEBE, Chinua. Things Fall Apart. London: Heinemann, 1958.

HAYES, Steven C.; STROSAHL, Kirk D.; WILSON, Kelly G. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press, 2011.

KABAT-ZINN, Jon. Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. New York: Bantam Books, 1990.

PIAGET, Jean. Play, Dreams and Imitation in Childhood. New York: W. W. Norton, 1962.

WEGNER, Daniel M. White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts: Suppression, Obsession, and the Psychology of Mental Control. New York: Guilford Press, 1989.