The Grieving Brain: How Neuroscience Explains Our Response to Loss

Have you ever wondered why a significant loss seems to shake not only our emotions but also our perception of reality? Why do we continue to “see” or “feel” the presence of someone who is already gone? Modern neuroscience has fascinating answers that can help better understand this painful process that we all face at some point in life.

How the Brain Maps Our Reality

Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and walking to the kitchen in the dark. You navigate easily through the space, avoiding furniture and obstacles, even without seeing clearly. Why? Because your brain is not really depending only on what it sees at the moment — it’s using a virtual map that it created through repeated experiences.

This mental map works like an “internal Google Maps” that allows you to move with confidence in familiar environments. Your brain:

• Creates virtual representations of the environment
• Stores these maps in the hippocampus (seahorse-shaped brain structure)
• Uses these maps to guide your movements
• Detects discrepancies between the map and reality when something changes

What Happens When We Lose Someone?

When someone we love dies, a profound discrepancy occurs between our mental map and reality. It’s as if you walked down the dark corridor and didn’t feel the dining table where it should be — only infinitely more painful and confusing.

“Grief is a painful, heart-wrenching problem for the brain to solve, and going through grief requires learning to live in the world with the absence of someone you deeply love, who is ingrained in your understanding of the world.”

The Neuroscience of Tracking Cells

Studies with animals have provided valuable insights into how the brain processes absences. In fascinating research conducted by neuroscientists Edvard and May-Britt Moser, it was discovered that there are specific neurons called object tracking cells.

These cells fire when:

1. A familiar object is present in an environment
2. The object is removed, but the brain “expects” it to be there

The most interesting part? Even after the object was removed, these cells continued to fire for approximately five days, while the brain slowly updated its mental map.

Applying this to human loss: our brain continues expecting to find our loved one in the usual places – and this can persist for a long time after their death.

The Attachment Bond and the Dimensions of Reality

Our understanding of the world is strongly linked to the dimensions of:

• Here (space)
• Now (time)
• Near (proximity)

From infancy, we learn to use these dimensions to track our attachment figures. Initially through physical contact, then through vision and hearing, and finally we develop the ability to maintain a mental representation of those we love even when they are not physically present.

Death completely challenges this system. Suddenly, we are informed that the person can no longer be located in space and time – a concept that the brain simply isn’t prepared to process.

Why We “Search” for Those We’ve Lost

This is why many people report “searching” behaviors after a significant loss:

• Thinking they saw the person on the street
• Waking up thinking the person is still beside them in bed
• Hearing footsteps and imagining it’s the person arriving

These experiences are not signs of madness or simple denial – they are normal manifestations of how our brain tries to solve the problem of permanent absence.

How the Brain Fills in the Gaps

Our brain is an excellent prediction machine. It constantly:

• Compares current information with past experiences
• Anticipates what should happen next
• Fills in gaps with what it expects to see or feel

When you hear a familiar noise at the time your loved one used to arrive home, your brain may momentarily “complete” the experience, making you feel as if the person were actually arriving.

This happens because neurons that regularly fired together (the sound of the door + the person’s arrival) formed strong connections. As neuroscientist Donald Hebb suggested: “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

Time As a Healing Agent

The brain continuously learns from our experiences, even without our conscious intention. That’s why time is truly a healing agent in grief – not because of time itself, but because of accumulated experiences.

When we say that “time heals,” we’re really talking about:

1. New experiences without the person’s presence
2. Gradual updating of the brain map
3. Adjustment of predictions about what to expect
4. Unintentional learning about how to live without the person

Each day without your loved one, your brain records this absence, slowly updating its predictions about the future.

Give Your Brain Time

If you are going through grief, remember: it’s not possible to force your brain to learn all at once that the loved one is gone. Just as you don’t learn advanced calculus overnight, the process of updating mental maps and predictions requires time and experience.

What you can do:

• Be patient with your grieving process
• Allow yourself to have experiences that help your brain update
• Recognize that it’s normal to feel or “see” the person who is gone
• Understand that these experiences will diminish over time

Conclusion: The Wisdom of the Grieving Brain

Grief is not just an emotional experience – it’s a profound neurobiological process of adapting to a new reality. Understanding how our brain responds to loss can help us have more compassion for ourselves during this difficult period.

If you are facing grief, remember that your brain is working hard to rebuild your map of reality. Respect this process, give it the necessary time, and seek support when you need it.

This article is based on neuroscientific research on grief. If you are experiencing difficulties in the grieving process, consider seeking professional help from a psychologist or specialized therapist.

Have you had similar experiences during grief? Share in the comments how your process of adapting to the loss of a loved one was.

Reference

O’CONNOR, M. F. The Grieving Brain: How the Mind Makes Us Learn from Pain and Loss. Rio de Janeiro: Principium, 2023.